So it’s my third week of self-isolation since COVID-19 jumped into the Houseparty group and locked the room. It didn’t even notify anyone before entering, just ghosted onto the scene like a thief in the night. Apparently it takes 21 days to form a habit but this quarantine lifestyle isn’t something I’m trying to get used to. I feel like I’m on the wing in Belmarsh, one form of exercise a day outside before I’m locked back up in isolation. Thing is, even when I do go outside I get even more paranoid by other people’s behaviour. Every other person is hooded-up, wearing gloves and masks… are you protecting yourself or plotting a murder bro? I got told off at my local supermarket for not being six feet away from another customer… you know, this whole social distancing thing. Only problem is the staff got within six feet of me when she told me so that kinda defeated the point. When I finished paying for my items, the cashier dashed the receipt at me desperate not to make hand contact. She was definitely practising that throw way before Corona hit the streets and I’m sure she was chuffed with the execution.
Working from home over the last couple of weeks has also been a mind-f*ck; only exception to the rule is what the government deem as ‘key-workers’. I know a few of you guys are trying to claim that key-worker status so you can link up with your side chicks in peace. Can’t even FaceTime her ‘cos her actual boyfriend is in the other room. Isn’t it funny how we’ve been cooped up at home all day yet still managed to create a plethora of social media challenges to get away from reality. Push-up challenge, make-up challenge, baby challenge, stay at home challenge… how is it a challenge to stay somewhere the government has told you not to leave? Now the ‘go-outside challenge’ or the ‘non-essential shop challenge’ would catch my attention. Find a store and purchase the most abstract item you can find then return home without being fined by the transport police, that’s worth a retweet at least. Drake’s even got grown men doing the Toosie Slide and you think we haven’t reached insanity? Whatever the challenge is though feel free not to tag me in it, isolation is hard enough without partaking in tomfoolery.
But not even quarantine can make some of you guys respond to texts any faster. The other day I got hit with the “sorry mate, I just saw this” reply to a message I sent the previous day. You been busy bro? You had much on lately? I didn’t realise social distancing included calls and texts too. Everybody’s too busy recording TikTok videos and doing kick-ups with toilet paper to respond back in decent time. Or perhaps they’re busy reading those COVID-19 emails that every company you ever remotely showed an interest in has sent though over the last couple of days. I understand you’re trying to reassure your customers but an influx of emails about a life-threatening virus tends to have the opposite effect. My mortgage provider emailed me about how they’re dealing with the pandemic too, and duly signed off by letting me know that Corona isn’t stopping them from collecting their coins. Even if I got a mortgage holiday they’re gonna be at my neck like a rash, quarantining those payments out of my account.
The whole situation still seems a tad surreal to me, a twisted episode of Black Mirror. Everyday feels the same; this week I’ve had about four Saturdays and a couple Sundays in between. Might have to perfect the Toosie Slide in my spare time. Instagram, Twitter and Zoom seem to be my only contact with the outside world. Certain girls are claiming to be using Zoom for their online yoga classes but they’re actually twerking on Tory Lanez’ IG Live. Whilst the UK are clapping for the NHS workers, the US are making it clap on Quarantine Radio but that’s another story entirely. With no end date in sight, it’s looking like a lockdown for the foreseeable future. The next time my barber sees me, I might be looking grizzly but he might be unemployed. It’s not like I’m going anywhere for anyone to see me I suppose. Wimbledon cancelled, Olympics postponed, but Afronation are “taking all government advice”… social distancing won’t save these promoters from getting beaten up whilst queuing up outside Morrison’s. What’s more alarming though is that deaths due to Corona are getting more closer to home. This virus does not discriminate, it could be your favourite celeb, your nan, the UK Prime Minister, anyone. But kudos once again to the key-workers who’re really making sure we’re ticking over whilst the world hides away, your efforts have not gone unnoticed. Only took a pandemic for them to shed their “unskilled labour” tag…
I’ve attached a link to the World Health Organisation’s advice on Coronavirus, symptoms to be made aware of and how to avoid catching or spreading the virus. It’ll take a collective effort to reduce the spread, let’s all do our collective part.