I’m not getting any younger out here. I can’t be in my bedroom mauling over excuses as to why I can’t attend your sh*t events any longer. I haven’t got the energy for this, Red Bull only goes so far. I remember reading a tweet saying, ‘I’m too old to be forcing conversations’ and I thought that was a bit of me. So no, I don’t wanna catch-up with you and be stressing out over how I plan to maintain conversation. When I get trapped in those convos the only thing I’m thinking about is my escape route, I’m too old to be smiling through awkward silences. Taking another sip of my drink to gain a couple of seconds to think about what random topic that I’m going to bring up next. I’m out here downing spirits like holy water so It’s no wonder people think I’m always tryna’ get lit! I’m a great conversationalist if I do say so myself, so if conversations bad… that’s your fault!
Seriously though, doing absolutely nothing is a genuine motive for me. In fact, you’ll need to tell me ahead of time if you wanna catch up so I know when my ‘Do Nothing’ plans have changed. What is up with you ‘we need to catch up sometime’ type of people. Who are you catching bro, this ain’t Pokemon Go. You ain’t getting notifications when I’m nearby. Perhaps we bumped into each other at a club or somethings, it’s a hello and goodbye thing, simple. What makes you think we need to catch-up anyways, have we outgrown our social media relationship? Some people actually struggle holding face to face conversation where ‘lol’ doesn’t actually mean anything, I hope you can cope with that? I went on a date with a girl a couple years back and she couldn’t hold conversation to save her life, it was painful. Now imagine that feeling with someone you’re not even remotely interested in.
Learning how to say no about catching up is a skill you’ll forever need in your armoury. And the stage after that is saying no without feeling the need to explain yourself. I can’t catch up right now as I’m quite busy… busy doing stuff… stuff that doesn’t involve you! It’s better than those guys who agree to link-up even though they have no intention of showing up lol. You try to holla at them closer to the time of the event and all you’re seeing is blue ticks on Whatsapp. Those unreliable guys catch amnesia mid-conversation, acting like they totally forgot about your plans even though they’re just scheming with their proper friends thinking up the lie they’re gonna tell you. And I know this because I’ve been that guy lol.
It’s always the people who you haven’t spoken to since forever who wanna rekindle relationships out the blue. My last ‘we should catch-up moment’ was one to forget… from the moment I saw them I knew I’d regret meeting up. I just wanted to melt away like the T-1000 in Terminator 2. Got a guy considering bleaching and a new fade just so they wouldn’t recognise me. Those situations where you plan the next catch-up somewhere in Narnia cos’ certain people’s travelcards don’t reach that far. Regardless, don’t be coerced to do something that you don’t wanna do; that Theo Walcott decision making won’t do you any good. One minute you’re agreeing to a catch-up, next minute you’re doing a Ryan Lochte and making up stories about what happened and why you can’t make it. I ain’t Roald Dahl mate, I ain’t into storytelling. If I wanted to waste my time, I would’ve been cheering one of the seven other guys in the 100m Olympic finals.