Joe, I haven’t seen a new blog in a while, what’s taking so long? Bro, stop asking big man questions lol. I appreciate that people are anticipating my content, but I need to stress that I have a job. A paying one too. When I start posting every other day just know my employers have given me that Van Gaal treatment. The posts won’t even be blogs anymore, I’ll just be linking you to my gofundme account so that I can maintain the life my Instagram suggests I have. That ‘Mayfair’ filter with an ‘Old Kent Road’ bank balance. Speaking of gofundme, I recently saw a guy setup an account to collect funds for his honeymoon… Mate, if I ever contribute to your honeymoon, I hope you’ve got that triple room booked with the balcony overlooking the pool cos’ that’s our honeymoon now. The lad better be content with the sofa-bed too, I’m not a sleep head-to-toe kind of guy to be honest. Anyways, I think there was a purpose to this blog…
I’m convinced I’ve encountered a couple double agents in my lifetime, one personality face-to-face and a whole new personality on social media. What is it about commenting on other people’s posts which turns people into the grammar police? Since when did adding ‘Saturation’ and ‘Contrast’ make you a certified photographer? I’m convinced hashtags no longer have to be relevant to your actual post neither. It’s like these guys are speaking in riddles and limericks, you gotta decipher them ones with a rubix cube just to understand what’s being said. And don’t get me started with Snapchat. I still remember being on a boat party on holiday seeing these girls record themselves as though they were living the life, only to sit back down and screw-face the world once the ten second snap was up. They must’ve had exams the next day cos’ they had displeasure contoured all over their faces.
Not too long ago even an old associate got in touch (yep, you can get downgraded from ‘friend’ to ‘associate’ real quick) and he linked me to one of his singles on Soundcloud. The hook was, ‘I don’t go holidays in Europe and it’s a short trip when I do it’, implying he only does long-haul! Lol, when I tell you he was one of those guys who had to save up to be broke now he’s chatting as though Budapest is an Uber ride away. You can fool your social media fans – fans being the people who accidently stumble upon your content due to your unrelated hashtags – but there’s no fooling the jester himself. Eventually I told him his lyrics were more disappointing than an Arsenal title campaign and he should quit whilst he’s behind but did he take my advice? Yes, it was taken for granted. Followed by an unfollow. How can I encourage someone to pollute your speakers with their fairy-tale? That’s a crime and Lord knows I’m too young to get done for joint enterprise.
Give a dumb guy a smart phone and it’ll trigger their alter ego. It’s like you’re in a PokeBattle and your enemy unleashes ‘wild keyboard warrior’. I have no time for them and their constant fishing for attention. It’s boring and clearly no-one has ever told you such! Especially every time a celebrity dies, then the conspiracy theorist come out the woodwork… c’mon bro, what industry experience did you require to secure that role as devil’s advocate? Don’t feed the trolls, they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with foolishness. That’s why the concept of cyber-bullying will forever amuse me. You’re telling me there’s people out there ruining your life in a whole different dimension? Mate, close the app and go outside, life’s too short!