So I read this post on Twitter recently which almost made me fall off my high-horse (You see what I did there?). This girl wrote, “If you’re in a relationship and you’re still asking your daddy for money, then you’re not really in a relationship”. I’m telling you, if this girl was a Pokémon, she wouldn’t evolve. I’ve always said Twitter was an echo-chamber where people in alternative realities are given a platform. The frightening thing was the number of retweets and likes this post got. Surely people don’t really believe that their boyfriends should be their personal cash machines? I’ll be real, unless you’re married to someone they don’t owe you nish. They can moonwalk out of that relationship with zero consequences and cancel the standing order too. Maybe it’s just me but guys who are financially sorted between the ages of 18-30 are more commonly known as Premier League footballers or they’re the sons of Abdullah who deals with that oil money in the UAE. You can’t ask your average Femi from down the road to do lifestyle ‘cos that ain’t it.
Guys, don’t get rattled by these type of women neither. They’ll be the first to call you ‘cheap’ or ‘broke’ if you ain’t showing her that Zack and Cody Suite Life. Some of you guys are actually broke but you still have to believe in your sauce! Calling a guy broke when you don’t get your own way is the equivalent of guys calling women ugly when they get rejected. True happiness is when you stop caring about other people’s irrelevant opinions. I’m broke because I don’t want to buy you a drink at the bar yet you’re sitting with all your friends with no food and a pitcher full of tap water… behave. Some of these demands are getting ridiculous too, I remember a girl trying to guilt trip me into buying her a £519 pen… was lost for words. Was that the pen that Leonardo da Vinci used to draw the Mona Lisa? It must have doubled up as that neuralyzer from Men in Black that erases memory because she obviously didn’t know who I was.
“I’m an independent woman ‘cos I pay for my own bills”… wait, who exactly was supposed to pay for them? Me? I’m not even trying to fund my own lifestyle let alone someone elses. Who knew dinner was so expensive, I’ve been conditioned by Nando’s for so long that I didn’t realise you people were living lavish. Guys have been getting finessed on a FIFA vibe for so long and you didn’t even know it. You’re going all out doing showman meanwhile she’s texting her friends asking for an escape route. You don’t even realise your name is saved as ‘Free Chinese #2’ in her phone book; imagine being in second in a free food line-up. All jokes aside though, it does confuse me longing to be treated the same as a man yet doing Stevie Wonder when the bill comes out at the restaurant. Lemme do Ray Charles at the bill too ‘cos I’m always up for a duet.
Yeah, I’m never going to rate a ‘Basic Prick’ but my feelings are the same for a ‘Basic B*!@#’… hence the rant. Some of your dads are out here harassing young girls as they walk by, so I know you don’t get those high standards from your mum. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have expectations but you can’t pick and choose when to adhere to these medieval gender roles. You can’t be a princess on a pauper vibe, this ain’t Shrek 2. I love a woman who knows her worth but some of you lot are using that Zimbabwe exchange rate ‘cos you’re moving like a Goddess so I’m a non-believer. Zizzi’s sounds good when you’re dining with your friends, even bringing out the vouchers but for me you want to be ‘calling for champagne’ at Bob Bob Ricard. How can one be spending their hard earned cash on someone who ain’t bringing anything to the table? You’ll forfeit your bride price.